Non-Pool
Topic: Make me laugh like this...

Always check homework



Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah¢s picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith


Many thanks to Pro9'er Brian Craig for sending me this!


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Authorised Pro9 forum advertiser/sponsor

ha ha kids are ace

That's brilliant

Brian is always forwarding really good stuff like this to me, and it always makes my day when it arrives... So I shall be sharing these with you all from now onwards - I've been wanting to do this for a long time, and hopefully it'll lighten your day too.

If you ever receive an email that "tickles your fancy" and it isn't too rude, please feel free to post it here, or forward it to me and I'll do it!

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M50.
                                                            
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...... Something happened. I'll trying to break this gently, but the fact is your manhood was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.'
    
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology to build you a new appendage that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!    

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this.

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had five inches before and you decide to go for nine, she might be a bit put out. But if you had nine before, and you decide only to invest in five inches this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'    

'I have,' says the man.                                            

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has,' says the man.                                            

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.    




.
.
.
.
.
.
                            

'We're getting a new kitchen.'

In the dog house again!!!

New word from the BAnking Industry


"CREFDIT"

Doesn't everyone know that there's no effin credit.

LOL... I wondered what the heck you were going on about, but I assumed I was the only one that didn't get that joke and didn't want to say I didn't get it, because no one else had said it!

LOL... NOW I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice one!

Spotted in AZBillliards, brilliant logic.


Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far A$$ kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+1 4+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.

Thats mint

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

lmao!

Another classic sent to me by Brian Craig, thanks mate!

Viz Letters





> Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
> present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
> having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
> RAC have more responsible employees.
>
> The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
> heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
> too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
> they'd make their minds up.
> John
>
> 'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
> Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
>
> I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
> mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses
> around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
> would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
> extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
> L Palmer, London
>
> With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
> Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
> But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan.
> Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
>
> The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
> pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
> from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
> stop breaking the law, so will I.
>
> Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
> like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wifes
> growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
>
> On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
> Australia have discovered the
> smallest fish known to exist. They've
> obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
>
> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
> galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
>
> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
> the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I
> hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
> sense of humour.
>
> I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad
> is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
>
> What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
> the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
>
> When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
> was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
> lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
> but the poor sod's face told a different story.
>
> I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
> trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
> hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
> sticks.
>
> I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
> on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people
> off buying the product.
>
> Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
> Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
> crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
> are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
> spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long
> are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
>
> 'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the
> Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see
> that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her
> you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like
> they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is
> dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
>
> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
> good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
> penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
> not good luck in my book.
> Milos el Standish, Barcelona
>
> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison
> population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
> world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
> 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
> only dream of.
>
> On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me
> like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
> completely angry and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
> 120mph, killing me instantly.
>
> If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
> characters are Man Utd supporters?
>
> They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
> regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
> TV in my local.
>
> If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?
>
> They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
> finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
>
> In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
> cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
> Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
> of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
> show a little more imagination in this century.
>
> Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
> when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
> arguments begin. I will never understand women.
>
> We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
> the war effort: as
> the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
> beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
> actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
> left his wife and children and angry off, first to France, then North
> Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will
> always be with us.
>
> Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
> End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a
> hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers
> for the Luftwaffe.
> Werner Hoffman, Munich .
>
> I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
> people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
> boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
>
> I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
> the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

Yes Dave, I had to share that Viz one with you...classic!

A new version of 99 Red Balloons.

http://www.webcastr.com/videos/humor/99-words-for-boobs.html

A SHORT LOVE  STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both  married to other people,
found themselves  assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental  train.
Though  initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they  were  both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper
berth and she in   the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the  man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,..........    'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to  bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet  to get me a  second blanket?
 
I'm awfully  cold.'
 
 'I have a  better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's
pretend that we're  married.'

'Wow!......................  That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she  replied. .............'Get your own ****** blanket.'
 

After a moment  of silence, ......................he farted.


The End

pmsl love it!