Non-Pool
Topic: A little humour!

two blokes working in a gold mine in south africa
while placing the dynamite there is a loud explosion totally blowing away the first mans left leg

a couple of days later the second man visits his friend in hospital

2nd guy "when are you coming back to work"

1st guy "are you joking look at me, who is going to want a one legged gold digger"

2nd " you could always try Paul Mccartney"

THE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL"
>>
>> A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy,she
>> yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only
>> count to
>> four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
>> Very good," said her mother.
>> Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
>> Yes, it's because you're blonde."
>>
>> The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
>> she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
>> said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
>> Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
>> Yes, It's because you're blonde."
>>
>> The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!"
>> she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering,
>> all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up
>> her
>> tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
>> Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
>> Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
>>
>> No, Honey, Its because you're 21 ."

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too
smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."


The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"


Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the FIFTH-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Ken, You have obviously got as much time on your hands as I have !!!!

Ace!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up... and went golfing!

On 2006-08-30 08:18 , malaguista Wrote:

Only a few miutes here and there!

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.
                                
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter
finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took
me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"    ---------------------------------------------------------------

The Knob

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course the woman wanted "The Knob".

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects
were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen
years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned
the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results.
But now, I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee".

funny
Check this out...

superb!

Excellent Shir, great find

Here Shir , one for the ladies!!

check this out its brilliant but you will need sound

http://uk.rd.yahoo.com/oa/*http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/holditin.wmv

if any one speaks german please translate not that it matters

The Test

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Choosing a wife:

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to ! see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.



The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.



There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Dutch Football Hooligan!!!

Good one, reminds me of my Jack Russel!

The Frog

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the S.O.B. who ran over my FROG!"