Non-Pool
Topic: Quality stand up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZt7Pu2jc6Y

Ahahhahahahahahahaaaaaa! Top find!

quality

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... .. ..


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

I went and saw rhod gilbert last week at durham and he was brilliant..

Just picture him cracking on like that for 2 hrs...

Very very funny..

If any of you get the chance to catch him i would reccomend it, we had great night...

peter kay a legend

by the way rhod gilbert is the guy in the clip on this post...

We all know this is true....

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty darn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited.. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go
to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that female dog
knows I'm smarter than her.

All right Ladies. Forward this if you agree. the devils playground even if you disagree,
forward it anyway.

Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!

LEE MACK on Perfume and Pies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGkBnBHTWVk&feature=fvst

Egg Custard (May offend - Big Dave remove if you see fit)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JE3XxtyMr0&feature=related

Murder at Tesco

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...











(You're going to hate me for this .... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

Totally off-topic but I just found this very funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cw_wS_q4qQ

It's from Atomic Wedgie!

Totally off-topic but I just found this very funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cw_wS_q4qQ

It's from Atomic Wedgie!

I am splitting my sides after watching today's video in The Pro Tube... Oh my goodness! Some are good, some are interesting, this one is just hilarious!

She looks totally cheesed off an totally unimpressed does she?
Nice shot making though!

Kinda off topic ( it is a kind of stand-up ) but this is the funniest thing I've seen in ages - make sure you've got the sound on though !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdbVrkS3lMM&feature=related

Feeling unappreciated lately?

Maybe this will help...




Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska few years back was $80,000.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.


Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.


What?!? STILL not okay????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!


And Finally

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around11:00 amSunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects. Just when the clock struck11:00, Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


There now, Feeling Better, Are We?


(All credit to Pro9'er Brian Craig who keeps these coming on a regular basis - thanks Brian - you make me laugh even on the gloomy mornings!)

OMG... This is the best EVER!!!

I really hope this is supposed to be satire - it's got to be satirical hasn't it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBQy8hcF12Y

His hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats not satire, thats serious hair.